my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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