Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize