"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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