my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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