thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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