I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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