New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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