May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
