I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
