Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
