i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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