If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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