I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
And then my night got REAL pukey
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
