"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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