Welp...herpes.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
