I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
