Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
