I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
