Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize