My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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