the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
