I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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