I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
