low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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