Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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