Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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