What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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