The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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