So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
