I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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