ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
