If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
