Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
