I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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