i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
