i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
