Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
People in love make me want to vomit
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
