you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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