She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize