can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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