I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
