...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
