she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
