you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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