I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
