meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
These tits shall not be calmed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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