Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
