Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize