any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
