i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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