Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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