i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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