He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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