The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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