If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
