Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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