My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
